I had my chocolate cream chip frapp earlier this evening and yet i still feel melancholic. i feel sad for the same old reason it's still stuck on the outside of my heart no matter how hard i try to shake it off. it's like a leech and it's sapping my energy to live.

As the song goes, it's not easy trying to put on a front.

I need a distraction. an activity of sorts. I need an effing outlet so i can let go of this emotional drama.

Total annoyance: a bunch of people in the office talk so loud that everyone else became unwanted audience to their private affairs. i really hate these agents for the sole reason that they dont know how to shut up.

I have moved to my summer home (http://abiggercup.blogpsot.com). It's always summer here in Cebu (except for the freak storms) so that means I will do most of my blogging through my summer home.

I am still keeping this blog (just in case the IT guys will block my access to the other blog).

I am just too upset right now and I'm trying to NOT think at all. Yeah well I should maybe change this into "It's all about Panda" blog seeing that I keep writing about him. Or maybe I should just delete this whole thing and go back to blogdrive. Fook it! I'm so upset im starting to curse here. Blah!!

Maybe I should just forget about it. The holding on thing. The promise to myself that I would wait. Because for all I know I maybe waiting for nothing. And that I would end up being stupid in the end. And now im awfully confused. Because P.C. did write something about love and doing everything for love. Something to that effect. And yes I just have too much love in me now and he's not even accepting it. When i said He, i meant Panda. I wanna bash him on the head, seriously. No, I take that back. Double blah!!

Here, I recommend this website: http://purplepussy.net/. I'm reading the e-comicbook right now. This is what's keeping me from going over the edge. It's not a porn site. It's a comic about cats. It has some F words though. And some shit words. Yknow what I mean.

He just told me not to call. Didn't even give me a clear idea on what I did that placed him "on a difficult situation." And that's quote unquote from him. I think I have an inkling on what actually happened. I will not apologize though. Not until he would tell me what the situation exactly is. But how is he going to tell me when he doesn't answer the phone?

One thing I'm sure of. He's in deep shit.

Another thing. He doesn't want me to call because he doesn't want to talk to me. Sorry, I have a thick head. It's taking longer than usual for the text message to sink in.

10 REALLY RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME
I'm a cry-baby.
I love easily.
I forgive too quickly.
I don't eat vegetables.
I easily get annoyed.
I'm a cat lover.
I like the rain when I'm inside.
I burst out at odd moments.
I laugh for no reason.
I'm grouchy when I'm not late in the office.

9 WAYS TO WIN MY HEART (AGAIN)
Don't lie to me (anymore).
Make me laugh.
Introduce me to your friends (and family).
Play with my hair.
Talk to me.
Show me your world.
Respect my opinion. And my friends.
Hold my hand and never let go.
Tell me your secrets.

 
8 THINGS I CARRY/WEAR EVERYDAY
Phone. Lipgloss/stick. Powder. Oil control film. Pen. Wallet. Coin purse. Watch/bracelet.

7 THINGS THAT ANNOY ME
Loudmouths.
Eavesdroppers.
Feelingera with poor color coordination when it comes to their clothes. People who spit just about anywhere.
And those who cut in line. 
Slow learners.
Parrotheads.

6 PLACES I’VE VISITED OR INTEND TO
I've visited Israel, Jordan, and Thailand.
I intend to visit Hongkong, Florida (Disneyworld), and any country in Europe.

5 THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
Travel. Own something worth investing. Have a kid. Touch a person's life in ways unimaginable. Put up a business.

4 THINGS I’M AFRAID OF
Big spiders. Reaching 30 and still not finding the right man. Not knowing how to love right again. Not knowing what my future really is.

3 THINGS I DO EVERYDAY
Listen to music. Think about my previous failed relationships (im such a loser). Tell myself that I'm feeling better now.

2 THINGS I’M TRYING NOT TO DO NOW
Think. Cry.

1 PERSON I WANT TO SEE NOW
I know who.

_________

photo is from radio.weblogs.com

Meet my little animal friends-- Gelu (the white tiger) and Panda Bear. I had Gelu since July of last year. I remembered we went to Toy Kingdom and he suddenly went looking for something to give to me. Panda Bear was given to me on December 18. He has this key ring on the back so that I can attach it to my bag or wherever but I decided not to. I don't want Panda to get dirty. I had another present from him but I left it in Cebu. It was a Hello Kitty pillow. He said I should have it since I don't have him to hug anymore...

Back to the photo-- And there's my handy-dandy laptop. It's old (laptops become old after a few months since new models are being released on a regular basis). He also bought the mouse and the Squirt mouse pad. The mouse pad has a sleeve and  I remember him saying we should print a picture of us and insert it in the sleeve. Now I don't know if I should be sad that we didn't do that or happy because then, I don't have to painstakenly remove it.

I shouldn't have started this entry knowing that I have to mention him. Stupid me...

This is a late post, I know.

I started my 2009 on a wrong foot-- got sick on New Year's Eve.  I didn't even get to attend mass, which is a first time. I feel guilty all of a sudden. Soooo, I decided to stop believing the flu vaccine. I honestly thought it would stop me from getting sick or maybe I was hit with a new strain. Anyhoo, my siblings and I had dinner at the Evasco house. Only a few of the Amaga clan made it, though.

we had our dinner at the balcony

with my sisters and cousins

Only a couple of days left and I will have to fly back to Cebu   I am so saddddddddddd! I don't want to start working just yet    I still have a lot of things to do here in Davao, like go to People's Park, watch cable, go to the malls, go to wherever it is that I wanna go.

Things that I am going to miss once I'm back in Cebu: cable TV, 24/7 internet, big bed, aircondiioning, sofa, water straight from the tap, all the comfort that a home can give, plus my family anytime that I need them, my cats, the dogs, the sound of chirping birds, food anytime that I need any... and a whole lot more. Sanctuary...

I woke up to the incessant blowing of horns earlier this morning. I realized that they were coming from the torotots of the neighborhood kids. Either they were very happy with their toys or they can't wait for the clock to strike 12.

The Christmas and New Year holidays in Davao City may not be that festive as the previous years, ever since Digong banned all fireworks (even the kind that doesn't have a loud bang) in the city. So the Davaoenos made it exciting in many way-- torotots, loud music, an even louder banging of anything that creates sound, and enthusiastic chit-chats from the grandpa down to the grandchild. At least there are less casualties since nobody gets hit by firecrackers anymore (i always hated the watusi!) and we don't have to ruin our eardrums from the Super-Lolos.

It's still festive in some ways. My sister, Mao, made sure that everything looked Christmas-y. The Christmas lights are on, there are Christmas stockings strewn all over the place (but they're empty LOL), the tablecloth has this boughs of holly designs, and christmas decors were placed on the staircase and kitchen.

We headed to the mall earlier to get some last minute shopping for food and, by golly, it sure looked like everyone was doing the same thing. Even the bakeries were filled with people frantic to buy cakes and pastries. My favorite bakery ran out of moist chocolate cake so we decided to go to the Goldilocks branch in Damosa. They had limited cakes left too but I was able to buy chocolate mousse.

Woohoo! A few hours left and it's 2009! Already, our neighbors are preparing for their annual neighborhood party and stereos are spewing different songs everywhere. (I say "they" because we don't really mingle with most of our neighbors).

(Quote: How does a rabbit who jumps in a hole, plummeting into chaos, come out unchanged?)

2008... A year of lessons, realizations, disappointments, elation, success, heartaches, growth, pain, joy, laughter, love, surprises and more... I jumped... and I came out wiser than last year (and hopefully more mature). I shall carry these lessons in my heart. 2009 will show me a different road to travel and the lessons of the past will show me the way to more changes.

(Since this will be my last blog for 2008, I might as well write a long entry.)

Although a lot of people has touched me in some ways, I would like to show my gratitude to several special people who made an impact to my year.

First, my colleagues in QA. They have showed me that even when there is dirty politics in the office, I don't need to involve myself on that. We may hear a lot of negative things about people in the office and some of these individuals have tried to sway us into thinking as how they think but we remained steadfast. We are a strong team and we don't have attitude problems (except the chronic lateness, is that considered an attitude problem?). Seriously, I really believe in our quote "Beauty with a purpose". We are beautiful inside not because of our job, but on how we handle our job. You have also made me realize that I am not a patient person but you later on taught me to be one. You showed me sincerity and genuine concern (which is hard to find in today's workplace) and I really appreciate that. Some of us have fallen several times (not on a literal sense) but we were able to handle it with grace and finesse. That's the real beauty of our team. We had our shortcomings, no doubt about that, but we were always prepared to own up to our mistakes and make up for it in surprising ways. We have teamwork and communication to back it up. We have brains, beauty, and our Sun phones. So again, thank you.

Panda. You showed me that I could love again and taught me that a heart never lies dormant for too long. I appreciate the little things that you did for me and I am ever grateful for the actions that took a great deal of effort for you to do. You made me laugh again and you showed me that I still know how to cry for love. Yours was the most painful experience yet and until now I wallow on the droplets of remembrance. You made sure that I forgot every bitter experience I had in the past and you replaced it with your own... But you also made sure that you occupied every space in my heart... to the point that every breathe I had to take was filled with a wisp of you. Even now, I still can't figure out if you were sincere in your love. Or maybe you found out that there's no permanence in what you felt for me. Or did you just decide to give up while you were packing your bags before? I hide these thoughts because I know that you don't like confrontations when it's thrown back at you. Despite everything, though, I continue to love you with more intensity. Even when I know that it's not being reciprocated. Remember the times that you told me to wait? I made a promise to myself that I would. You have already broken me. No person will be able to touch my heart again. Thank you for the season of love. I was never vocal about my feelings and now it's too late to tell you how I feel so I'm writing it here.
(Mes amours durent en tout temps...)

I apologize for the bad grammar on my last paragraph. It was hard for me to concentrate as my mind was filled with a jumble of emotions.

Happy New Year!!!

Thank you, 2008...

_____________________________________________________________

Photo of "torotot" is from the blog of dennisvillegas.

Hi Paulo,

This is the first time that I visited your blog and I believe that this is too much of a coincidence. You spoke about change in your previous entry (or rather, you posted an article about change) and then this one, Resolutions...

Visiting your blog and reading your entries is definitely a sign for me. I also had other signs. My heart became restless. A friend told me about a job in Davao City, my home city. My family kept telling me to move back to Davao... Perhaps the forces of the universe acted on my desire for a change of career. Or perhaps not.

I am definitely happy with my career despite the heavy workload and the stress that comes along with it. My office and my colleagues have become my comfort zone. I have embedded myself with routines and schedules but my work was never boring. Maybe the fact that everything is well in place is making my heart scream for change.

So, for 2009, I will find it in my heart to do something with my career. I'm just waiting for one more sign and after that I will decide.

I wish you a wonderful 2009, too.

- Pring

 This has to be PMS. I swear, being a woman is difficult sometimes. I have been in a good mood for a week now and when I woke up this morning I was suddenly all cranky and bitchy.   I lost 80% of my poker chips because of this stupid thing and I shouted at no one in particular when I found out that somebody from this household ate all the ham that I bought last week. Oh yeah, I am Miss Scrooge now and you'd better back off *LOL* Aaaaaaaaanddddd since I can't find the freakin ham (somebody definitely gobbled it up) I yapped about going out and eating somewhere, double duh! I ended up coookng myself pieces of chicken meat. My sister had to teach me how to prepare the meat and heat the pan. Aaaarrrggghh not that I don't know how to fry. I just had to remember how to (honest!). I haven't been cooking since I got promoted so it's been what, a year now. Like, why do I have to smother the meat with salt? I don't remember Panda ever doing that to the chicken when he cooked for me. So my chicken ended up dry-like and it even looked like I would have a hard time chewing it. So I placed cheese slices on top of it and melted it using the oven. Yknow, like chicken cordon bleu *LOL* howeeeeeeever, the cheese that we had in the ref was the kind that's not meant for chicken cordon bleu and when I started eating, it kinda tasted like salty or near to salty. I still ate all of it though. I also bought the chicken so I have to get my money's worth.
But waaaaaaaaaait there's more! I raised my voice at Suwee (my cousin's kid) because she was really annoying. Poor child went all silent. I felt guilty afterwards so I let her watch cartoons on TV. I swear, if i was Suwee, I would have cried hehehe..

Yes, that's what PMS did to me today. Guys can be so lucky they don't have it. And does it have to be a monthly thing? *ugh*

 I meant to write about what's bothering me but I just don't want to start on it because then it would be a possibility, close to becoming true. Yes, my melancholic side is procrastinating but I do hope everything would turn out right in the end. I can't bear another disappointment. (Hint: it's about work). I did discuss this to Jenny and Nice although we haven't talked about it in detail. And people here (in Davao) have been pushing me to make the move but I don't want to focus on it right now. I just want to enjoy my vacation.

In case somebody is actually reading this entry, check out http://www.snowzilla.org/category/snowzilla-videos/. That link would lead you to aricles and videos about Snowzilla from Alaska. Snowzilla created an uproar to an Alaskan community and people are actually taking sides on whether to ban Snowzilla forever or to have him for keeps (every Christmas at least) but definitely, Snowzilla has become the city's main attraction. I would love to see it myself but then, warm-blooded me would freeze to death in Alaska *LOL*